The Ultimate Horror
by Dautr abr du Sundavar
Summary: A brief oneshot about just that. No, it's not a nuclear bomb, or a deadly super-contagious virus, or even spiders. No, it's something much worse - babysitting a five-year-old. O.O Can Alex make it out alive? R&R!


**A/N: Alex is a big, bad superspy who's gotten out of life-and-death situations on this side of the veil more times than most adults, but can he handle one toddler for an afternoon? What do you think?**

**You (the reader): Well-**

**WAIT! Don't tell me! That was a rhetorical question!**

**You: *sulk***

**Whatever. For those of you who read "Das Gesellen zum Feind"...I'm so very sorry the next chapter is taking so long. But both my muses and my plot bunnies have abandoned me! *cries* Therefore, that story is now on hiatus until I can write a good seventh chapter. I sowwy...anyway, I don't own Alex Rider – even if his puppy-dog face is melt-worthy. Enjoy!**

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"Get back here, you little creep!"

So exclaimed Alex Rider on a fine spring day – for London, anyway, meaning it wasn't raining. Anyway, Alex was currently unable to enjoy the fine-ness of the spring day, as he was too busy charging down a flight of stairs after a rogue toddler while trying not to break his neck. You see, Jack had convinced Alex that he needed a job – as in, one that paid money and didn't involve getting himself killed on a semi-regular basis.

That last part was in contention at the moment.

Alex reached the bottom of the stairs and skidded around the corner, barely avoiding an end table and its resident obligatory expensive vase. He dashed through the kitchen and rounded another corner into the small back hall. He spotted his quarry shutting a door, and slid to a halt in front of it. The bathroom. Great. Every small child's refuge.

Panting, he leaned against the wall opposite the door. He heard his charge singing, heard the sounds verifying that the visit was necessary, and then...silence. He crouched down to peer under the door, and saw a bright blue eye staring back at him, which promptly widened and disappeared.

Alex smirked. No doubt the kid would try to "hide" from him now. He sighed and knocked on the door. "Come on, Jenna," he called. "Game over. I found you."

"But I wasn't hiding," the girl replied. "I just had to pee."

Alex lifted an eyebrow, even knowing the child couldn't see him. "Riiiiight," he drawled. "Which is why you stopped looking under the door when I saw you."

He could just picture the look on her face as she struggled to reason through this statement. The sarcasm probably didn't help, Alex thought. Finally she said, "But if we weren't playing a game, how can a game be over if we weren't playing it?"

Alex blinked. "It's a figure of speech," he said. "Now come on out of the bathroom. And don't lick me again!"

Jenna giggled, then the door opened to admit the little imp herself. Blonde hair, big blue eyes, and more cunning than Alex had seen in some of his adversaries. Then again, she was five years old. They were, almost by definition, slyer than the proverbial fox.

She stared at him with those huge, faux-innocent eyes. "What can we play now, Alex?" she asked.

Alex repressed a snarl. "Anything but Barbies," he said.

Jenna grinned – evilly, to Alex's eyes. "Okay!" she said gleefully. "We can play house!"

Alex stared at her in horror. "Not that," he whispered, barely able to keep his voice level.

The girl presented him with a full-on pout, making her eyes even wider, if that was possible. "But you said _anything_ except Barbies!" she whined. "Did you..._lie_ to me?" Her eyes started filling with tears.

Even though Alex knew the tears were entirely fake, he couldn't simply stand there and watch her cry. So he turned away. "Yup," he said. "I guess I did."

Jenna chased after him. "But Al_eeex_!" she moaned, drawing the final syllable of his name out into at least three. "Lying is _bad_!"

Alex almost laughed out loud at that. If this kid knew half the things he'd done to save his own hide, nevermind those of others, she probably wouldn't think this little episode registered too high on the bad-o-meter. Instead of chuckling, however, he sighed – again – and turned to face the imp.

"Jenna," he said, crouching down to her eye level, "sometimes you have to lie, so that other people won't get hurt, or so that you won't get hurt. This wasn't one of those times, true, but-"

"Whatever," she interrupted. "Can we play house now? Pretty pretty pleeeeeeeease?"

Alex sighed again and stood up. "Fine," he said reluctantly. Curse those big blue eyes of hers. "But no licking!"

Jenna squealed in excitement and dragged him up the stairs by the hand. "Yay! I'll be the mommy, and you can be the daddy, and Miss Edith will be the baby..."

Alex groaned.

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**A/N: Thanks to everyone who voted in the poll on my profile for this to be a humor story. If you want a different version, with danger, drama, and super-ninja-spy action (plus, of course, a bit of dry humor) – you know, the works – let me know in a review. If enough people do, I'll probably write it. And yes, it will be longer than this story if I write it. Also, while you're there, please tell me what you think of **_**this**_** story. Pwetty pwease? *shows you a picture of chibi-Alex doing his puppy-dog face***


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